25 05

My exams are starting 2 weeks later. I should start studying physics but i cant put myself to do it. I also started feeling better, i mean. I still feel apathy and depression but i feel less these days. Even tho my mind is always empty.
A few days ago i did something ive never done in 3 years. Going outside willingly. Yeah, its hard for me to go outside. I called A, she was suprised and happy. -A is someone really close to me, both physically and emotionally. In middle school she patched my wounds from suicide attempts and calmed me down for a while. It was the time that i was desperate for help but couldnt reach out. You kknow some people do it to get some attention but some people just want to fucking die. Im one of them. I was struck inside of myself anyway and didnt want to get out. So i tried to kill myself quietly. But when i failed i coudlnt ask for help. My wounds were probably about to get infected and the tapes werent doing anything so i had to ask someones help. And it was A.-
Because of my situation which i never comminucate with someone or even try to get out A was deeply heartbroken to me stating that she was the only one who always tried to reach out to me but never got anything back. She wanted me to do something for out relationship too but i was too unhealthy myself to do anything. She also confronted me about this multiple times and ive always said sorry but never actually tried to break out of my bubble and this stupid cycle i found myself within.
When i called her a few days ago asking to go out for cycling she was suprised and super happy to hear. She told me that her bike was broken. Actually ive been imagining this kind of situation for years now. Going to a repair shop on a summer day and spending the rest of our time together. Kind of funny how im able to do it now. Tho my allergies are acting up again.
The repair shop was closed so i took the bike to my dad and he fixed it. We talked with A and went to a waffle shop to eat. The day was great but tiring for me. I went home alone.


Now its today. Yesterday i came across a video on tiktok of a ftm trans guy showing his physique. I was amazed because i could tell he didnt weight too much like me. So i contacted him about his eating habits and such and asked if he can give any advice to me. Ive decided to do workouts!!!!!!!!!!!


Speaking of my health, this week i couldnt go to school because i was at the hospital everyday because of my posture. Im too lazy to write how it went so i will show a diagram.

physical therapy for my posture > they wanted mri and xray, we showed last years mri and they told me i have starting of scoliiosis and a bad neck possture. they also redirected me to another doctor to get my thyroids and goiter checked.
other doctor > wanted a blood test for thyroids and goiter also another xray to see my bone age.
we went back to physical therapy to ask for a result regarding to anything > they redirected us to a BRAIN SURGEON because a liquid in my spine got... uhh, fat? not fat in a fatty way but it became big.
brain surgeon > they said its OK after consulting for 4 hours. Im fine now but exhausted.


A few days ago i started doing small animations to spend my time instead of just sitting and staring at my computer. I should also start applying for universities and create a page for my portfolio but im just. too lazy ugh